We live in a day and age where it is normal to put yourself, your thoughts, your wants, and your desires above all else. This act is self-worship, the very thing that we are told not to do, the very thing that is regarded as evil. For a year I dated a woman that put her desires to follow mass media and culture above her relationship with God, and to a much lesser extent, me. In her own words, “I want to walk my own path next to the path of the world”.

We probably wouldn’t have worked out regardless of this, however I spoke often with her about not listening to modern degenerate music and consuming mass media like Netflix. Every time she said that’s what she wanted to do. She listened to club music which is mostly about promiscuity, and she willingly watched satanic TV shows and movies. I spoke to her about the dangers of these at great lengths.

Before we started dating, we were virgins. After the breakup, we were still virgins. However we engaged in sexual activity that could be referred to as foreplay. She always talked about not being influenced by culture, however she had sexual fantasies about being promiscuous. One of these, was hooking up in a bar. When we started dating, I had made the mistake of pushing her to engage in sexual contact. I will never forgive myself for doing this, and I will always be guilty of corrupting this poor girl.

Before we started dating she was masturbating to erotic literature on websites, however she never had physical contact with a man. I was her first, and she was my first, even if we never had sex. I can’t take back anything that I did. If I could, I would. She willingly accepted my advances and reciprocated them. Her only reason for wanting to avoid sex was pregnancy. She had no issues with any other sexual contact.

Before our relationship started coming to an end, I realized that she was ‘easy’. I realized that despite claiming she was not influenced by modern culture, she was in fact the epitome of it. I had to come to terms that I played a significant role in this, and because of this, I too was the epitome of modern culture.

It was a rocky relationship at best, and a purely sexual relationship at worst. I have never been attracted to a girl in the way that I was attracted to her. I mistook lust for love, and I dove in headfirst. I had been a porn addict since the age of nine, however there’s a difference between seeing a woman versus feeling attraction to a woman. I had never felt this attraction before. It was incredibly strong and overwhelming, I mistook this feeling as God guiding us together. She felt the same emotions towards me, and probably thought the same about God guiding us together.

We started breaking up, and on our last date, we went over the reasons why this was a good thing. One of her reasons was that I was “too Christian” for her. It was only months later that I realized despite believing in God, she was ultimately not walking the same path that I am. While I might be a degenerate and a recovering porn addict, ever since the age of 17 I have been walking down the path to heaven. It is a rough Rocky and downright terrifying road. There have been many points where I have occasionally strayed from the path.

There have been times where I was in her shoes. I wanted to watch TV, listen to degenerate music and absorb myself into the path of the world. Occasionally, I did just that. I always had to remind myself of where I wanted to go, and whether the path I was on was going to take me there. It is intimidating to stand against the tsunami of the world, however with God and his strength I can stand against anything. As can you.

Why do I say all this? Because it is the truth. When I was 11 or 12, I had a remarkably profound thought; “If I’m not willing to say to everyone that I did something, I shouldn’t do it.” It is while I type this that I realize, a decade later, this thought was likely from God. After all, does that not describe confession? As an adult, I’ll rephrase the concept. “I should only do things that I am willing to confess to everyone, and therefore before God upon my death.”

Did I always practice this? Definitely not.

I have prayed almost every night since 2021, excluding when we spent the night together. We would pray sometimes, however it was rare. I talked about reading the Bible, which I am very bad at doing.

Enough about the girl. Her salvation is her own.

I speak to a larger point, one of which I am guilty of. Do we place the word of God ahead of our desires? Even better, do we follow Jesus? Following Jesus does not only mean following His commands, but following Him. Only He knows the way to Heaven. How then, can we find our way there on our own? How can one walk their own path and not be led to the gates of hell?

We are sinful beasts of flesh. Walking our own path leads us towards the desires of the flesh. The desires of the flesh are what we all have, and we have all walked down this path. So much so that we have made this path into a road. We have made the path of the world easier to walk. In fact, it is such a well made path that you can run straight down it.

There was a point in my life where, despite walking the path of desires, I was unhappy with myself. If I am walking the path of doing whatever I please, but I am unhappy, do I know what is best for me? No. Only God knows what you need. Since only He knows what you need, only He can give it to you.

With every step we take, satan seeks to make our feet fail us. He uses our corrupted flesh against ourselves and our relationship with God. In the same way satan does not cast out satan, we cannot stand against ourselves. With such an enemy seeking to take our balance, only in the holy name of Christ Jesus can we stand upright.

Let us not forget, the hearts of some people are hardened. They will never seek God. No matter what, we must not let them demoralize us. I believe these people are put in our path to act as a stumbling block, bringing us down psychologically so our defenses are lowered. From there, we can be torn down by the demons amongst us.

Let me now speak to something else; What does it mean to be a Christian? I will never assume to know the answer, however we may find the meaning within the translation of the word Christian. “Little Christ”. We will never be like Jesus, however our goal is to strive to be like him. When we strive for something unattainable, then does that not qualify as belief?

If then, we are supposed to be little versions of Christ Jesus, then is it possible to be ‘too Christian’? If we find someone who we think is ‘too Christian’, is it possible they are further along in their journey to Heaven? Or, instead of being further, is it that they have been living in persistent sin and they seek deliverance? I know that is the case for me. I seek God, however my flesh is weak and I don’t turn to God for strength.

What is this post? A lonely 21 year old airing out the dirty laundry of his past relationship, looking to sooth himself? Maybe. Or, do the experiences of our lives change our outlook? Should we share the lessons of these experiences with others? When we do, do we share these experiences in the hopes that the outlook of their lives of others will be changed? If an experience changes our outlook, does that mean it can change the outlook of others?

The life we lead influences the experiences we have, which determines our future. However, in the modern era we are living collectively through the internet. Does this impact us psychologically? Does this lead to us seeing the experiences of everyone, tainting our perception? Do we pick and choose the experiences we allow to dilute our view of the world? This is a subject I will discuss further in a future post.

Personally, when I know something I feel a burden of responsibility to share what I know. For most of my life I have disregarded this ‘responsibility’. Each time I do, it ends poorly. I look back and I am haunted by the knowledge that I could have had a near impossible chance to change the outcome. Alas, here I am. Typing a post on a website no one will probably visit.

If by some miracle you are viewing this, I thank you for spending your valuable time with me. And at that, thank you for reading.